If you’ve spent more than five minutes online looking for help with your baby’s sleep, you’ve probably encountered the idea that sleep training harms attachment. That if you ever let your baby cry, even for a moment, you’re jeopardising your bond. That the only way to support healthy development is to co-regulate constantly.

But here’s the truth: modern sleep training is not about ignoring your baby’s needs. It’s not black and white. And it certainly doesn’t mean co-regulation goes out the window.

Co-Regulation Is Important - But It Doesn’t Mean 24/7

Co-regulation is a beautiful, biologically driven process where your baby learns to regulate their emotions through your calm presence and responses. It matters. It’s foundational to secure attachment.

But even the science doesn’t say you need to be co-regulating every second of the day or night. In fact, research shows that secure attachment is built on sensitive caregiving, not perfect caregiving. That means noticing your baby’s cues and responding appropriately most of the time - not flawlessly, not instantly, and not without considering your own needs.

So, let’s stop setting an impossible standard. Because here’s what rarely gets talked about:

You Can’t Co-Regulate When You’re Dysregulated

In order to co-regulate, you need to be regulated. And that is incredibly hard to do when you're chronically sleep-deprived. When you're waking every 1–2 hours for weeks or months. When you’re running on empty, snappy with your toddler, crying in the pantry, and dreading every bedtime.

Your baby doesn't need you to be a martyr. They need you to be well enough to meet their needs. And that includes helping them sleep better - not just for their sake, but for yours too.

Because if co-regulation is so important (and it is), we should be supporting the main caregiver to get sleep, restore their nervous system, and function as a stable, responsive parent. That’s not selfish. That’s responsible.

So, what Does Sleep Training Actually Mean?

Modern sleep training isn’t a one-size-fits-all, cry-it-out-or-nothing approach. It’s not about ignoring your baby or abandoning your instincts. It’s about changing sleep associations that no longer serve anyone - gently, gradually, and with support.

And let’s be clear: waking every 90 minutes isn’t a need - it’s a pattern. One that’s often driven by ingrained sleep associations, not biological necessity. What your baby needs at night is sleep - restful sleep! And when nothing else is working, and you’ve tried all the “gentle” tricks, sleep training can be the lifeline that helps your family come up for air.

A Few Nights of Sleep Training ≠ Damaged Attachment

If you’re worried that a few nights or weeks of sleep training will undo the connection you’ve spent months building, take a breath.

Your relationship with your baby is made up of thousands of interactions. Cuddles, kisses, stories, feedings, silly faces, and quiet moments.

Sleep training is a drop in the ocean of opportunities to co-regulate and connect.

When your mental health improves, when you're not drowning in exhaustion, you show up differently, and better, in every other moment. That’s what makes the real difference.

Times Have Changed - So Must Our Expectations

We are not parenting in villages anymore. Many mums are doing it all, and they're doing it alone, without consistent day-to-day support. Of course things are harder. Of course sleep challenges feel bigger. And that’s exactly why shaming parents for choosing sleep training is not just unhelpful - it’s harmful!

Sleep training doesn’t need to be your first step. But it shouldn’t be your last resort either - or something you feel guilty for even considering.

Because when we support parents, we support babies.

So if you’ve tried everything and nothing is working - if you feel like you’re at the end of your rope... know this:

You are not failing. You are not selfish. And you are not alone!

Sleep training is not the enemy of attachment. Burnout is.